One such reader, whose question first ran in 2021, provided an “update,” published in 2023.

He and I have continued to correspond, and I’m happy to share an update to his update, as a reminder – to all of us – that time plus wisdom can bring on a (mostly) happy ending.

Below is the original question and my answer (edited for length). The updates follow.

Dear Amy: I am 58 years old. I was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s two years ago. My friends all know about my diagnosis.

My sister and I had been estranged for almost a decade. Two years ago, I realized that our disagreements were water under the bridge, and we re-established a relationship. She lives several states away.

I have never disclosed my diagnosis to her.

I don’t want my sister to think that I reconciled with her because of my illness.

I did that because I love her, and not because I am staring into the face of my own mortality.

Upon learning this news, I know that she will fly into stress mode — that is who she is.

Also, because she is my “big sister” I also know that she will go into: “I’ll take care of you” mode (again, it is her nature), which is not what I need or want.

On the other hand, I don’t want her to feel betrayed when she inevitably learns about my illness.

Right now, I am able to hide my symptoms well.

When the day comes when this is not the case, I plan on telling her (and her children).

I am extremely torn as to whether I am making the right decision.

Am I?

– Torn

Dear Torn: You have the right to control your own health information – for whatever reason you choose.

You seem to be protecting yourself from the stress of your sister’s anticipated reaction, but I want to remind you that people do not always react in expected ways.

Now that your relationship with her is on a better footing, you might be closer to breaking this news to her.

The timing of your diagnosis and the reconnection with your sister does seem more than coincidental, and, in my opinion, awareness of your own mortality is the best reason in the world to reconnect.

Update from “Torn” (2023)

Dear Amy: This is a strange slow-motion disease for which you have to keep a healthy balance between keeping hope that there may be a medical solution, and embracing reality.

My experience with my sister illustrates what you often discuss in your column: that we shouldn’t rely on our assumptions.

Long story short, I kept my diagnosis private from my sister until a Thanksgiving weekend family conversation, during which out of the blue someone raised the issue of whether our family is vulnerable to the disease because of our medical history.

At that point I told the family.

I feared my sister would go into over-protective, over-involved mode. Bizarrely, the opposite happened. None of the family said anything other than a few value-neutral questions, like, “When did you find out?”

It was such a stereotypical WASPy family reaction (which we are).

I’m not angry or upset – just baffled. As we got into the car to leave the dinner, my partner turned to me and said, “Well, that was weird.”

After that, we have never discussed the topic again (and it’s going on a year since the conversation).

Several months later I tried to broach the bizarre family reaction with my sister in a joking manner, and she quickly changed the subject.

Nevertheless, our relationship continues to strengthen, so I count my blessings.

Go figure!

– Torn

Dear Torn: Go figure, indeed. I hope you’ll keep in touch.

Dear Amy (2024): I have always treasured your concern and responses to me.

This year my neurologists have expressed astonishment that I have not deteriorated quicker than expected (they used much kinder terminology).

I remain indebted to them, and I continue to live the best life that I can.

My sister and I are closer than we have ever been, and I am so grateful, but also embarrassed by whatever motivated me to participate in our long-ago and long-lasting estrangement in the first place.

Dear Torn: Your story is powered by its own particular grace; it is also a lesson in how letting go can lead to reconciliation. I know we’ll keep in touch.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

A. If she reads the column and takes any of it to heart, I can’t imagine why she would act the way you describe. That’s why the first thing I suggest when kids report implausible stories is to clarify if any of this is really happening as the kids describe. That means you must talk to their father. If he confirms it, that’s a problem. If he doesn’t know about it, that’s also a problem. There’s one more concern. The kids’ reporting may not be accurate. All these possibilities lead to the need of additional investigation.

For example, I once worked with a family who reported very similar things. Upon investigation, mom learned that the day the kids returned to dad’s was the day set aside for spring cleaning. The kids were asked to help but opted to sit outside and wait for dad. The story told to mom was that they were made to sit outside and could not come in. When dad was consulted, this was explained; however, if mom had not checked in with the child’s father — or even with the kids’ bonus mom — she would have reacted to something that was not entirely true.

Too many new couples think love will conquer all and do not take the steps to ensure that combining families will be a positive experience. There has to be a plan, an outline for success. If there is not, the family will flounder, each family member seeing things only from their perspective and having no vision for a unified identity.

I often talk about the necessary preparation couples with children must make prior to moving in together or marrying. I call it the “Before Bonus Exercise” and it can be found on the Bonus Families website, key word: Before exercise.

It suggests the couple sit down together and have a very serious heart-to-heart about the type of family they want to create: the kind of relationship they want to build with each other’s children and extended family; how they will handle discipline, chores, homework; and finally — possibly the most important thing — how their family will solve conflicts when they arise.

In other words, get organized before they become a family. If they have that conversation using Ex-etiquette Rule No. 8, “Be honest and straight forward,” as a guide, they will know right away if someone is a good choice for a partner. If that red flag waves, don’t be afraid to pull the plug. Your kids have already been through enough. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Our daughter and son-in-law live with us in the downstairs den and bedroom (they use that bathroom). They are employed.

Our daughter is a college graduate and has been married to our son-in-law for 12 years. They don’t have children.

Our daughter is looked upon as the smart one in the family, but she isn’t always respectful or helpful to us as her parents.

In recent years her behavior has gotten worse.

She says I have no boundaries, when in reality I am just trying to be patient with her until she matures more (she is 32).

I (of course) always correct her when she is wrong, which she resents. Then she insults me and curses at me.

It seems like I can’t win!

How do I get the point across that we have the right to be treated respectfully in our own home?

I am very frustrated with her and have been looking to sell our home due to this tension. I’m thinking about buying another and they can either buy ours (if they can afford it) or find somewhere else to live.

– Upstairs Mom in Tennessee

Dear Upstairs Mom: I gather that your daughter and son-in-law share (or have use of) your kitchen, dining, and possibly laundry areas in the upstairs part of your home.

If that is the case, then no – you have no physical boundaries. It is hard to have boundaries when you are sharing a house.

If you are (“of course”) correcting your 32-year-old daughter when she is “wrong,” and are waiting for this fully-grown daughter to “mature more,” then it seems that you also have no – or low – personal boundaries.

Her rude and crude responses to you are inappropriate, but you seem like someone who might not take a hint. Escalating might be her way of trying to get you to back off.

It’s your house. If you don’t like the way your housemates treat you, then it is time for them to go. Evicting this couple (if they don’t want to leave) might be tricky, and so if you are planning to sell the house anyway, this currently hot market might be a great time to do it.

I don’t suggest trying to sell your home to them; it might be best for your relationship if these basement-moochers start out fresh, on their own.

Dear Amy: I’m a 29-year-old man. My wife and I have been together for six years. We got married three years ago with a wonderful wedding that included all of our family and friends.

Our wedding is just about the last truly happy memory I have from our relationship.

My wife and I do not get along, and I can’t really figure out why. We both like our jobs and we have a nice apartment. We share expenses and household chores.

I feel like she is just always unhappy. I can’t seem to please her. Sometimes I dread coming home from work, because I’m never sure about what will greet me. I’ve started fantasizing about leaving the marriage, and that makes me feel absolutely terrible.

I’m reaching out for some guidance. I need a fresh perspective about what I should do.

– Worried and Wondering

Dear Worried: You don’t mention having any conversations about whether to have children, but my first suggestion is that you should not have kids until you arrive at some resolution about your relationship.

You two should pursue professional counseling immediately.

You should broach this by sitting down with your wife and laying it all on the line. Use “I statements” and stick to describing your own feelings: “I walk on eggshells at home. I feel sad and lonely. I’m worried about our future.”

Please, take a deep breath, stay calm, and do your best to create a lot of space for your wife to respond to you. You are seeking insight, not another fight.

Dear Amy: The question from “Frustrated Neighbor” hit home. This very ungenerous person was complaining about the unkempt state of their neighbor’s home and yard.

Well, I was once that neighbor with the unkempt property. I was struggling with treatment for cancer, while being a mom to three kids.

My neighbor complained – via a note – but never offered to help.

– Survivor

Dear Survivor: We never know what is going on in someone else’s life – unless we ask.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

The relationship faded out. After a few months, I drunkenly texted him and he responded by asking if I wanted to be friends with benefits.

We started hanging out again and we had sex a few times, but there was no romance or spark whatsoever. No charm, no jokes, no fun and no cuddling.

Afterwards he would abruptly leave.

It was like he was a completely different person.

I felt like a human being when we were hanging out, and like an object when we were having sex.

I started making excuses not to have sex (our dates were still great), but he kept hinting.

Then he suddenly moved out of the country. He’d been planning this, but hadn’t told me.

After a year away, he came for a visit and asked to stay with me for three weeks. He made many blunt requests for sexual acts via texts, even though I’d been saying I wasn’t really interested.

While he was staying with me, he slept in my bed without asking. I was so uncomfortable, I decided to sleep on the couch.

On the third night we were drinking, and I gave in. I felt terrible afterward.

I finally asked him to find another place to stay. He left. We have not been in touch at all since then.

I miss the friendship. I miss the possibility of romance (it seemed like it should have worked as a relationship), even though a relationship never happened.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about him, and I’m considering reaching out again. I feel terrible about how it ended, but it doesn’t sound like there’s any point, does there? I can’t see how it would be any different.

I’d like a second opinion.

– J

Dear J: You have described a series of creepy sexual encounters with a man who is a Dr. Jekyll in friendship, and a Mr. Hyde in bed. The last encounter was an assault (you were drunk when you “gave in” to his coercion).

This sexual objectification has made you so uncomfortable over the years that you have deliberately kept your distance. And why? Because he is a creep, and because you have self-respect and don’t want to be treated like an object.

I could speculate about why he behaves this way, but the reasons don’t matter.

You do matter.

I’d remind you that many people who are dangerous, deviant, or merely skeevy can lead seemingly ideal double lives outside of their obsessions or fetishes. And the people closest to them are often the last to know.

You want the benefit of a genuine and authentic romance and relationship; he wants something else entirely.

You’ve asked for a second opinion. Mine is that you should remove the temptation to drunk-text him by blocking all contact. Steer clear.

Dear Amy: I’m the mother of two adults.

My daughter has my only two grandchildren.

I moved to another state after retirement for about six years and during those six years I traveled back for every holiday, birthday, anniversary, etc.

I recently moved back and it’s TOTALLY different.

My daughter favors her in-laws. She has allowed the kids to call my brother and his wife “grandparents.”

I don’t get invited to “hang out” with her, “the in-laws” and “the grandparents.” I feel replaced.

How can I address this without destroying what little relationship I have?

– Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken: I suggest that you stay calm and take this in careful stages.

In-between special occasions, your daughter’s family has chugged along according to a basic pattern. You are going to have to look for ways to integrate into their lives.

Setting aside the choice to refer to your brother and his wife as “grandparents,” (what’s with that?), I suggest that you should invite the whole family (including in-laws) for a barbecue or meal in your new home.

Also, share your concern with your daughter: “I feel like I’m struggling here. Can you help me find ways to spend more time with the family?”

Dear Amy: I’m enjoying some of the “rerun” columns you are featuring lately. These columns remind me of how consistent and funny you’ve been through the years. Thank you for the entertainment!

– A Fan

Dear Fan: To be candid, they haven’t all been winners. I am cherry-picking some of my favorites.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

Others are quite able but unwilling due to choosing not to work, refusing to pay child support, or falling out over the years.

I have agreed to directly deposit a certain amount of money into her account every month, but she consistently asks for more.

I’ve suggested she reach out to the others instead of solely relying on me, but she appears to make little effort.

I am giving her what I can without wrecking my own financial plans.

Do you have any suggestions about how to say “No” to further requests without seeming heartless?

I’m finding it difficult to refuse, but I’m feeling angry and taken advantage of, not only by my aunt, but by the others standing by and not helping.

– Nurturing Niece

Dear Niece: I assume that your concern about the child your aunt is raising is an important part of your motivation to extend ongoing generosity. I agree with your instinct to continue to protect yourself; this is vital.

You don’t mention details about your aunt’s work status or spending habits, but you should determine whether she is sending some of your funds out the door to deadbeat relatives.

One way to respond when she asks for more funds would be: “Tell me – what else are you doing to raise this money?” Be completely straightforward: “This is the limit to what I can give.”

Help her to explore and apply for jobs and social services.

Dear Readers: As I announced previously, my final “Ask Amy” column in this space will run on June 30. (Readers will be able to find me through my newsletter and at amydickinson.com.)

Until then, I’ll occasionally open my files and rerun some previously published Q&As. The following is from 2021.

Dear Amy: Is the male “midlife crisis” a real thing?

After 20 years of marriage, my “pillar of the community” husband started acting strangely.

He started dressing young, going to bars, and then quit sleeping at night.

When I found out he had an affair, I blew up and he took off with the young barfly. Our grown daughters and I are hurt and sad that our family life seems over. I thought we had a great marriage and family.

Do these men ever come home?

I can easily forgive him and go to counseling to get back on track.

We had made all kinds of retirement plans before this happened.

In addition to being a husband and father, he is my best friend, too.

– Don’t Know What to Do

Dear Don’t Know: Midlife crises are not confined to men. And while these changes can seem very sudden, this is a panicked response to the existential crisis brought on by the realization that one’s life is more than half over.

When the “crisis” moment arrives (sometimes prompted by a death in the family, a landmark birthday, children about to leave the nest, or job frustration), a person at midlife looks around, sings the old Peggy Lee song, “Is That All There Is?,” and decides that a pumped-up body, a younger partner, or a new toy in the garage will fix everything.

To quote a moment from one of my favorite movies, “Moonstruck,” the wise wife looks at her philandering husband and declares: “Cosmo, I just want you to know that – no matter what you do, you’re going to die, just like everybody else.”

Yes, sometimes people who leave in the throes of a midlife crisis do come back. Sometimes, their partner no longer wants them.

But rather than concentrate your energy on your husband’s behavior and choices, I hope you will take a long look at your own life. Deal with your grief and the profound loss and change. Yes, cope with your anger and give yourself the release of forgiving him if you can. Understand that his behavior does not negate the happiness of the 20-year family-building phase of your own life. Quoting Peggy Lee again: “If that’s all there is, my friend, then let’s keep dancing…” I hope you will choose to “dance” again.

Dear Amy: “Friendless” lives in a rural area, has a young child, and is looking to make friends.

She needs to head to her closest public library.

– Been There

Dear Been There: All roads worth traveling lead to the library.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

It was only by accident that I discovered that he had taken his own life. He had a troubled life. It seems he never really felt at home in the world. When he was a teenager, the father with whom he already had a difficult relationship died in tragic circumstances, and I get the impression that this had an impact on his decision to take his own life.

Everyone who knew this young man is either gone or getting older. My grandmother (his mother) died about 10 years ago. We found his school books and other personal items among her belongings.

My question is: What does somebody do with these personal effects? This man lived for not much more than two decades. He did not have any children.

Surely, there should be some way of memorializing his short life?

It seems dreadful to simply throw these items in the trash. Is there some way of saying that this person existed and that their life mattered?

– Niece in Oregon

Dear Niece: This is an intriguing – and poignant – question.

I suggest that if it is possible you might try to sketch an oral history from any family members who might remember more of the fullness of your uncle’s life. You might then be able to prepare a narrative (with photos of some of these objects), and consider posting it as an online memorial.

Allianceofhope.org is an online site for survivors of suicide loss. Their “memorial wall,” which features photos of people who have died by suicide – along with inspiring quotes – is deeply moving. Scrolling through the hundreds of beautiful photos reminds those of us who have lost a family member or friend to suicide how important it is to recognize and remember our loved one’s life, and not only their death.

Dear Readers: Before my departure at the end of June, I’m opening my files and revisiting some previous Q&As. The following was first published in 2021.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 40 years.

We have two daughters in their 30’s.

I happily was a stay-at-home mom, and my husband was a busy physician. Although busy, he and I never missed a sporting or school event that our daughters participated in.

We traveled, gave them every opportunity in life, and they had a wonderful childhood.

Or so we thought.

My youngest informed me last night that she had some “childhood trauma” (she couldn’t give me an example) that she is going into therapy for.

She also informed me that her older sister told her that she had a horrible childhood.

My oldest has in the past been very disrespectful and dismissive of both my husband and me. She has never provided a reason for her attitude.

She is mother to our only grandchildren, whom we adore.

Could her father and I have gotten it so wrong?

I’m beyond devastated. Thoughts?

– Totally Confused Mom

Dear Mom: Something seems to be amiss in your ideal family, but your angry daughters are not ready – or willing – to illuminate things for you.

You say the daughter who reports childhood trauma cannot give you an example of what she is referring to.

I say that she is not ready. This could be because you and your husband have a habit of denying problems, explaining things away, or glossing things over.

Your other daughter is disrespectful and dismissive, but refuses to explain why.

You are expecting both daughters to explain themselves to you, but they might lack the words, or the wherewithal, to pierce your family’s beautiful façade in order to describe their own experiences and feelings.

They might have had a traumatic experience with a neighbor, a family member, or kids at school. They might have felt afraid, lonely, or harshly judged.

Parents need to make sure that their children understand that they can fail, and fall, and have problems – because that’s what it means to be human.

This is a humbling experience for you. I suggest that you start framing your concern toward them, personally – versus the impact on you – and offer to enter therapy with each, as soon as they are ready.

Dear Readers: R. Eric Thomas’ will debut his “Asking Eric” column soon.

You can help Eric get started by sending your questions to eric@askingeric.com.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

The following Q&A is an example of a prank question that savvy readers enjoyed so much that it went viral. Honestly, I don’t know how I missed this obvious nod to a beloved sitcom, but I did.

I hope you enjoy this reprise of one of my favorite humiliations.

Dear Amy: I recently ran into a famous local sports figure at my gym.

I didn’t want to bother him, but much to my surprise he approached me. Turns out he knew me from my profession. He asked if I wanted to go out for coffee, and we exchanged numbers. A few days later we had coffee, and I thought it was pretty cool that he considered us friends.

Then everything changed. He told me he was interested in taking out a woman we ran into. She is my ex-girlfriend and we’ve remained good friends. He asked me a couple of times if I wouldn’t mind if he asked her out. I reluctantly said no. I made plans with him, and then after talking to my ex I found out that he ditched our plans to go out with her.

The next day he called me and asked if I could help him move some furniture. I barely know the guy, next thing he will be asking me to drive him to the airport. Two friends of mine warned me not to trust this guy. What’s the deal — am I being too rash or should I dump the guy as a friend? — – Feeling Foolish

And here is Amy’s response:

Dear Foolish: The good news here is that you won’t have to dump the guy as a friend because he is not a friend. He’s an opportunist who just keeps asking you for stuff. I suspect that when you turn down his generous offer to let you move furniture for him, you’ll likely never hear from him again.

Dear Amy: I would like an objective opinion on a situation I haven’t faced before.

A while ago, we met and became good friends with a couple our age.

We then introduced these friends to some of our family members that we socialize with regularly.

We’ve noticed that in recent months our family members have started socializing with our friends – without us.

I mentioned this and asked my family members about it.

They said that this happened accidentally.

I felt so silly and tried to ignore it. However, then I noticed when I scrolled through social media that it was happening more and more at planned events that we were not invited to join.

I commented on social media that we would have enjoyed being included and was promptly blocked.

It hurts, but what hurts worse is that this same family member also blocked my young adult kids, who were hurt by it as well.

I’d like advice about where to go from here.

I’ve thought about asking the family member why she would do this but I don’t want to start a bunch of family drama.

Suggestions?

– Excluded

Dear Excluded: First, a word about “blocking.”

A block on social media because of a resolvable issue is like throwing a hip-check when a conversation might do wonders. In my opinion, blocking over non-emergency issues (like this) has actually caused more serious problems than it attempts to solve.

Unless there is much more you aren’t revealing, the choice of your family member to then go through and apply this block to your children is ridiculous and just flat-out rude.

I need to add, however, that your own choice to lay open your own obviously hurt feelings on social media though your comment (where many others could see it), was also unfortunate.

I’m not blaming you for having these feelings, but Facebook is not generally a good place to reveal your vulnerability, especially to people who are both reactive and rude.

Dear Amy: “Perplexed” reported that she enjoys dining alone at her neighborhood bar and restaurant, but that she is often intruded upon by men who want to join her.

I have had the exact same experience. Like Perplexed, a man actually sat down at my two-top in an attempt to join me for dinner.

I’ve learned to place my jacket on the opposite chair.

– Dining Solo

Dear Dining Solo: Great solution – but I wish it weren’t necessary.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

There was a different paper clock in that same shop that I spent a lot more time watching that was small, silent, and super cool. He noted that he’d kept the receipt if I didn’t like the gift, but I don’t want to appear ungrateful. Should I suggest an exchange, or am I breaking too many gift-giving boundaries and being unappreciative?

– Torn Paper

Dear Torn: No need to paper over your displeasure. Go back to the museum, recycle the big clock, and you can happily wrap this whole thing up.

It’s great that your husband already offered to make an exchange because that indicates an awareness that, though the sentiment was appreciated, the gift wasn’t quite right.

He wants you to be happy, you want to be happy, the museum wants to keep the money. So, if you would appreciate the smaller clock, everyone wins if you trade in the original gift for a new one. Clear communication and the ability to revise is a great gift to give each other as the clock (silently) ticks into your second married year.

Dear Eric: I retired early and don’t know what to say when people ask derisively “what do you do all day?” Any sassy comebacks?

– Out of Office

Dear Office: Try this: “What do I do all day? Whatever I want!”

There’s also the razor-sharp diva way of responding to this – “I pursue joy, darling; see if you can relate.”

But a lot of folks are genuinely curious about what an unstructured day looks like, so mixing sass with a bit of gentle education is helpful. The transition out of a task-oriented 9 to 5, with its attendant social structures, can be daunting. Many seniors I know talk about that “first day of school” feeling. And they’re doing it without a curriculum. Be that wise, if sassy, alum leading the way.

Dear Eric: Is there a way to politely ask someone to use headphones when listening to media on their device in public?

– Wish You Were on Mute

Dear Mute: Polite, sure. Effective? Doubtful. When you find yourself in these situations, you can try saying something like “I’m having trouble concentrating, would you mind putting in headphones?” or even simply, “Your media is loud; could you listen to it privately?” But if someone is happily blasting a TikTok or cooking video on the bus, train, sidewalk, chances are they’re that most dangerous combination – aware and don’t care.

Grab some noise- canceling headphones and preserve your peace.

Dear Eric: I gave up smoking in 1991. I was 21. Should I see this through, or is there some time I can start again?

– Cold Nostalgic Turkey

Dear Nostalgic:

The idea that there is some kind of statute of limitations on the dangers of cigarette smoking is genuinely amusing to me. Ah, if only all of life’s temptations had an expiration date after which all would be hunky dory. But I’m going to tell you what you already know: no such expiration date exists. And while tobacco companies have changed the composition of some cigarettes since 1991, smoking remains not just a temptation but, according to the American Lung Association, the number one preventable cause of death in the U.S. So, why risk it?

Nostalgia is often a yearning for a world that didn’t quite exist – the present never seems as rosy as our memories of the past, does it? Maybe you miss the social aspect of smoking or the chance to just think for 10 minutes. If that’s the case, is there another hobby you can strike up a conversation with strangers around? Or try setting aside 10 minutes a day to sit outside, take a walk, or practice mindfulness.

Smoking culture has changed so much that lighting up like Bette Davis in “All About Eve” will most likely make you a pariah in many places, anyway.

Also, your body has had 33 years to repair the damage smoking caused it and, at 54, it’s not going to bounce back as quickly, if at all – even if you’re in great shape.

One last thing: You’re in good company. According to data from the CDC, the percentage of Americans who are smokers dropped from 25.7 percent in 1991 to 11.5 percent in 2021. You, along with millions of others, kicked the habit. Reap the benefits of your effort.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.

I have been seeing a woman who’s been separated from her husband for 14 months. We met through work and have known each other for over 10 years. The past 14 months we have been intimate and I have gotten a place for us to live. However, she recently told me that her gut is telling her not to divorce her husband over my concerns. She has been married for 20 years. She has mentioned on several occasions that she’s concerned about the costs of divorcing, even though I’m currently paying for 80% of our living expenses. She has two kids ages 12 and 13. I have not met them.

She has told me I have changed and I agree that I have and have explained to her my feelings and thoughts about the whole situation. I don’t want to give her an ultimatum, but I’m not sure how to move forward if she can’t let go and move on with me. I feel she does not want a future with me and is not committed to me, even though she tells me and shows me that she loves me daily. I don’t know what my next step is. I do love her a lot and have helped her leave from where she was living, as she had no money to leave him. They co-parent equally, but she says she’s not ready to divorce him. I need advice. Thank you. — Seeking Experience Pertaining to Acute Refusal And Tepid Enough Divorce

Dear SEPARATED,

This sounds like a challenging and emotionally taxing situation. It’s clear that you care deeply for this woman and have invested a lot of time, energy and love into your relationship. Navigating such complex emotions and circumstances is never easy, and your feelings are completely valid.

While I can tell you’re greatly frustrated by this situation, here are a few key points to consider as you move forward and decide next steps.

Divorce is f—ing expensive. The national average puts the cost at about $15,000. Sure, she might get lucky — if her one-day ex-husband is very, very cooperative — and pay only a $435 filing fee, but more likely, she may end up in a court battle costing tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I’m not saying that the exorbitant price tag is a reason not to get divorced, just giving you something to think about. It’s not a one-and-done situation. It takes years and is incredibly emotionally and financially taxing. Plus, your girlfriend is dealing with a lot — the fallout of a 20-year marriage, financial instability and the well-being of her children. These factors are undoubtedly weighing heavily on her mind. Acknowledge these challenges and try to understand her hesitation. It might not be a reflection of her feelings for you but rather a complex web of obligations and emotions she needs to untangle.

Keep in mind, also, that it’s not uncommon for people to need time to rediscover themselves and really understand what they want next after a long-term relationship. Sometimes that’s even harder when a person jumps from one relationship immediately to the next, which it sounds like she did with you.

That said, you’re feeling stuck in your relationship and waiting is hardly satisfying advice. If filing for divorce is not currently on the table, brainstorm some other ways your relationship can move forward that don’t involve that one thing. For instance, perhaps it’s meeting her children. Perhaps it’s moving in with you. Perhaps it’s spending more nights a week together. Work together with your girlfriend and see where you can coincide on next steps.

While you’re doing that, it’s important to set clear boundaries and communicate your expectations for the future. Discuss what you need in terms of commitment and a timeline that feels fair to both of you. This can help both of you understand what the next steps might look like. You can start with something like: “I feel anxious that there’s no clear plan for our future. I need to understand where our relationship is headed.”

If you really can’t agree on any potential ways to move forward, then you might have to issue that ultimatum, after all — for your own well-being as well as hers. Some people just aren’t ready to be where we are. It sucks, but it happens. If you’re not in a relationship that’s meeting your needs, then it’s time to get out of that relationship. Sometimes, loving someone means making difficult choices that honor your own needs too.

While you’re brainstorming and boundary-ing, reflect on what you need and want from this relationship. Are you willing to wait, and if so, for how long? Ensure that you are taking care of your own emotional health and well-being.

And while it’s important to hope for the best, it’s also wise to prepare for all possibilities. Think about what steps you might need to take if she decides not to proceed with a divorce. Having a plan can provide a sense of control and peace of mind.

Remember, relationships are about mutual growth, understanding and support. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and where there is a shared vision for the future.

As you navigate this difficult path, keep in mind this adage: “Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.” Trust your instincts and know that you have the strength to find the best path forward for both of you.

©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

Dear Amy: During the height of the pandemic last year, each of my (divorced) parents died suddenly, two months apart.

As a result, I was left with two difficult estates to wade through on my own.

My childhood girlfriend has only seen me once in seven-and-a-half months, even though she is well aware that I have no help from siblings or immediate family.

I feel very hurt that she believes that “praying for me” is enough.

In my time of need, shouldn’t she be expected to do something practical?

– Wondering

Dear Wondering: This is such a tough situation, and I’m so sorry you are experiencing it.

Yes, good friends should have a reasonable expectation of assistance when times are tough. And yes, good friends sometimes let each other down.

However, you don’t mention actually asking for help. If there is a job you believe your friend might be well-suited for – for instance, driving boxes to the donation center – ask her.

I have come to understand that unless people have personally faced this sort of challenge themselves, they don’t have any idea of how physically exhausting and upsetting it is to clear out parents’ homes.

Years ago, after dealing with this myself, I ran into an old friend from high school; her truck was piled high with her late-father’s belongings. We both stood in a snowy parking lot and traded teary stories about how hard this aspect of loss had been. And we agreed that until we had actually had the experience of clearing out households after a death in the family, we’d had no idea how lonely and overwhelming it would be.

If you are simply overwhelmed by the enormity of the entire task, you could ask your friend: “Can you come over to my mom’s house for a few hours on Saturday and keep me company while I sort through some of her things? I’m really struggling and could use a hand. I’ll bring the donuts.”

Dear Amy: It has been two years since you responded to my question.

When I wrote to you, I was focused on the exhaustion of dealing with everything on my own after my parents’ death. I was pained that during my time of need my childhood friend did not offer to help.

I was touched by your response. Your acknowledgement of my pain and sadness disposing of my parent’s things, as well as the loss of my childhood home, was a balm to my grief-stricken soul.

Thank you for reminding the world that the pain of death continues with packing the first box.

– Tammie

Dear Tammie: I hope that your question (and thoughtful update) will continue to inspire people to offer more than “thoughts and prayers” in response to a loss like yours. In addition to expressions of concern and sympathy, sometimes a grieving person also needs … a little muscle – and the use of a pickup truck.

Dear Amy: I was taught that family does not give bridal or baby showers for family members.

The reasoning is that it appears they are begging for gifts for their family.

What is your opinion about this?

– Proper

Dear Proper: Sigh. In my opinion, that ship has sailed – for many very good and practical reasons having to do with living in the modern world.

Single women have babies. Women in the military have babies. Astronauts have babies. Pregnant women don’t always have the kind of traditional friendship support that would accommodate the sort of event you seem to prefer.

Keep in mind that any guest has the power to simply not attend any event they don’t want to go to.

But attending and sitting in judgment is (still) bad manners. That will never change.

Dear Readers: Before I show myself out at the end of June, I’m delighted to make way for your newest advice-giver: R. Eric Thomas, whose “Asking Eric” column will continue to foster the engaging relationship we’ve shared. Eric is young, smart, and a talented advice-giver – formerly of the Dear Prudence column.

You can help Eric get started by sending your questions to eric@askingeric.com.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)